Return From Exile
by scribooty
Summary: Trip helps Hoshi deal with the consequences of Exile. Complete
1. Part 1

Title: Return From Exile

Author: sbeegee

Email: sbeegee563@yahoo.com

Category: S/Tu; Romance/Angst 

Summary: Trip helps Hoshi deal with the consequences of "Exile."

Notes: I was just thinking that maybe there could be more to the whole "Crystal Ball" than was explored in the episode (as well as some emotional consequences for Hoshi).  Anyway, as this is my first fic (and me not being that deep into the world of Trek, though it's obvious I _love_ S/Tu), we'll see how it goes.

Her body writhed and twitched on her bunk.  Her tank and boxers stuck to her sweat-soaked skin.  Her long, thick hair was a tangled mess from her constant tossing and turning.  It was the same as every night for the past two weeks… Images exploded in her mind.  Images and emotions: past, present and future; pain, fear and hatred.

With a gasp, Ensign Sato awakened.  She lay in bed, forcing herself to take deep breaths before turning her eyes to the clock.  0200.  "Shit," Hoshi muttered to herself.  _Another night without sleep_. "What's one more night," she grumbled as she made her way to the sink, splashing cold water on her face.  She wet a washcloth and wiped down her neck and shoulders, bringing a chill to her skin.  She took a good look at herself in the mirror, noting the bluish circles under her eyes.  The shadows clearly showed against her too-pale skin.  She felt the familiar, self-inflicted pressures weighing down on her. . . people were "concerned" about her enough as it was – she hardly needed her drained appearance to confirm the suspicions that she didn't belong on Enterprise.

Hoshi let out a sigh and threw the cloth against the mirror.  She knew from previous nights that it would take hours to get back to sleep after the dreams.  The dreams that were so disturbing in her sleep, and yet she could not remember them clearly upon waking.  And, on some level, Hoshi didn't want to remember them; they haunted her enough as it was.  If they became more… _real_… what then?  She stared at her reflection and shuddered at the thought.

"Arrghh!  Get a grip, girl!" she chastised herself.  Throwing on a pair of baggy fleece pants, she made her way to the mess hall.  Maybe some herbal tea would help calm her nerves.

He entered the mess hall, expecting it to be empty.  Instead, in the dim shadows he saw Hoshi sitting alone, her arms wrapped around her pulled-up legs as she stared out at the stars with her chin resting on her knees, oblivious to his presence.  A smile started automatically when he saw her, but it froze as he observed her a  little more closely.  

He always knew her to have a greater emotional sensibility than the average person.  If she were an engine, she would be one that was elegant in design, but responsive to every vibration, no matter how slight, causing it to require constant fine tuning.  The kind of engine that was a labor of love. 

 It was that same emotional attunement to others that made her the best com officer Enterprise could hope for, as well as a good friend to have in your corner.  Members of the crew from every department could be seen talking to her, finding a little solace in her company.  But he knew that on some level, that it took a lot out of her.  Occasionally he would see her zone out, even within groups of friends, snatching some time to be alone with her own thoughts.   

Even with that in mind, however, he could see that something was troubling her beyond the norm.  He considered leaving her alone with her thoughts, but quickly tossed that idea aside.  During the past few months, her friendship had come to mean more and more to him.  He was a man who wore his heart on his sleeve, anger as well as love, and most of the crew had shown some discomfort around him after the Xindi attack on Earth.  But Hoshi hadn't shied away from his tempers and his moods.  She was so accepting of his feelings, that he found it calming to be around her.  And so, her quiet kindness had touched his heart.  

She had been through so much in the last few weeks.  Perhaps now he could repay some of her own compassion.  "Hey, Hosh," he spoke quietly as he made his way to the chair next her, not wanting to startle her.  Hoshi looked up at him, and he was shocked to see the expression in her deep brown eyes.  They looked tired, hunted and so… lonely.  "Is everything all right?" he asked gently, putting one large hand on her small shoulder.

She stared at him, brown eyes meeting blue, before actually physically shaking herself out of her stupor, causing him to remove his hand.  She tried to force a smile.  "I'm fine Trip," she replied, lowering her feet to the ground.  "I just couldn't sleep."

He wasn't buying it for a second.  The kind of emotional distress that was written so plainly on her face didn't come from just one bad night, and he knew that better than most.  _What should I say?_ he asked himself.  He was so unused to seeing her like this; she was normally so full of sly wit and sparkling humor.  He wanted to comfort her, but felt at a loss for what to say.  So, of course, in true Tucker style, he simply spouted out the first thing that popped into his head.  True, it was a strategy that got him into some scrapes, but usually nothing that he couldn't charm his way out of.  "Yeah?" he drawled, leaning forward to her.  "Then maybe you should come with me to T'Pol's quarters.  We just finished up with a minor problem in astrometrics that was keeping us up late and…" 

He stopped talking at the stunned expression in Hoshi's face.  _Can I be hearing this right?_ she asked herself.  _Is he actually inviting me to hang out with him and his girlfriend?  As if this night couldn't get ANY worse._

"Hosh?" he asked.  "Are you okay?  I mean, you must know about me and T'Pol.  It seems like everybody's talking about it," he said in a voice laden with exasperation.  "You'd have to be completely out of touch with everyone on board not to have heard."

At his words, Hoshi flinched as something in her mind snapped.  Out of touch.  Isolated.  Lonely.  Again, Tarquin's words were mocking her deepest insecurities.  But this time it was so much worse, because this time it was _him_ saying them to her.  Humiliation and anger mixed dangerously together in her sleep-deprived mind, forcing her to respond with uncharacteristic terseness.

"Thank you for you concern, Commander," she responded in a cool tone, as she suddenly stood up, "but that won't be necessary. I can take care of myself, as 'out of touch' as I am."  She didn't even look at him as she began leaving the mess hall.  "I'm sure you have many more _interesting_ ways to spend your time," she ground out between clenched jaws as she strode out of the room.

Trip just sat in his chair as he stared at the door, his mouth open and his eyebrows furrowed.  _What in God's name just happened?_ he asked himself, not a few times.  True, he knew he wasn't the most tactful guy in the world, but he normally didn't cause women to storm out of a room.  Especially not women that he cared about.  Sure, something he had said had pissed her off, but there had to have be more to it than that; she just wasn't herself.  He knew now that what was troubling Hoshi was much more serious than he had originally imagined. 

He finally snapped out of his daze to realize that T'Pol had been waiting for him for over a half-hour.  He quickly left the mess hall, forgetting the tea he had come in for.  He walked to T'Pol's quarters mechanically, his mind completely occupied with Hoshi.  He would get to the bottom of what was going on, and he would find a way to help her deal with it.  She was his friend, and she deserved that much.  And more. 


	2. Part 2

Captain Archer frowned as he watched Hoshi sigh, close her eyes and rub her temples for the third time since her shift had begun.  For the past week he had noticed her looking increasingly tired, though she tried to cover up the shadows under her eyes.  He turned his head and saw that Ensign Mayweather was also watching Hoshi, the young man's concern evident. 

"Ensign Sato," he called as he stood up from his chair.  "Can I see you in my ready room?" he asked as he motioned for her to follow him.

Hoshi's eyes flew open as she left the bridge, worry and doubt plaguing her mind.  He couldn't want to complain about her performance, could he?  She knew she hadn't been getting enough rest, but since losing her temper with Trip the night before, she was working even harder to do the best job possible.  After all, that was her normal method of dealing with personal problems: throwing herself into her work.  She wasn't going to let her weaknesses be held against her.

"Sir?" she asked as she entered the ready room.

"Hoshi," Archer began, in a reassuring tone.  "I wanted to check-in on how you were feeling.  We haven't really talked lately about how you're recovering from that situation with Tarquin."  As hard as he tried not to, he couldn't help but feel a little guilty for having left her alone with the alien.

Hoshi worked to keep the flush from rising on her cheeks.  "Have I been somehow deficient in my duties, Captain?" she asked, in a voice much harder than Jon had ever heard from her before.

"No," he replied, slightly puzzled by her attitude—it was unlike her to be so defensive.  "You're work is not in question here.  What I am concerned about is your health."  His eyes were compassionate as he tilted his head down to her.  "It's obvious that you aren't getting enough rest and that you're suffering from some headaches."  He paused for a moment, expecting her to say something, but at her stoic silence, he continued.  "I want you to end your shift now and then go see Phlox.  And that's an order."

Hoshi paused for just a moment before coolly answering, "Yes, sir," and quickly left the room at his nod.  As she stalked through the bridge to the turbolift, she didn't notice the worried frown on Travis' face.

"Ah, Ensign Sato," Dr. Phlox called in cheerful greeting when Hoshi entered sickbay.  "Are you here to visit with me, or perhaps the animals?  I believe that my bat has missed you these last weeks."

He had expected a smile or a joke from Hoshi in response, and was surprised to be greeted with her weary and slightly sullen demeanor.  "The Captain ordered me to get checked out," she grumbled as she sat on one of the beds.

"For lack of sleep, perhaps?" he perceptively asked with his usual smile as he quickly scanned her.  When she simply nodded, he questioned her further.  "Do you have any other symptoms I should be aware of?"  He simply waited in silence until she finally volunteered more information.

"I've been experiencing some headaches," she grudgingly admitted, as he passed the scanner around her head for the third time.  "Though they're probably from not getting enough sleep.  Nothing serious," she hastened to add.  "It's just a case of bad dreams.  They'll pass soon enough.  The Captain was just overreacting."

"I'm not so sure about that," Phlox replied, as he transferred the data from the scanner into the computer.

Hoshi jumped down from the bed, frustration and fear quickly rising to the surface.  "What do you mean?"

"Some of these readings are unusual," the Denobulan mused as he looked over the data.  "It will take a little time to process it all." Phlox frowned ever-so-briefly before he flashed a reassuring smile at her.  "No reason to worry just yet, Ensign.  Though I am going to recommend that you be pulled from your shifts until I have a chance to look this over."

"No!" Hoshi practically barked at the physician.  _Now it will be official!  Everyone will know that I can't handle this job!  Everyone will be right…He was right… I don't belong here_.  

Phlox quickly took in her agitated state.  "Now, now, Ensign.  It won't be forever!" he cheerfully responded, trying to cover his concern for his young friend.  Hoshi forced herself to calm down, a voice within telling her that her reaction was making the situation worse. "But you definitely need to rest now," he continued as he reached for a hypospray.  "This is a very light sedative, it will help you get some rest."

Hoshi nodded numbly as she recognized the sense in his words.  She quickly left sickbay after receiving the injection, leaving Phlox alone and reflecting on her bizarre behavior.  He looked back to the computer—the hints he had gotten from the data were just as troubling; he doubted the two were unrelated.  Phlox quickly got to work.

"You are uncharacteristically silent, Commander Tucker," T'Pol stated as she precisely pressed her fingertips onto Trip's bare back.  "Much the same as last night."

Her comment shook Trip out of his reverie.  "What, are you complaining?" he asked, with a slight smirk.

"No," she replied.  You had to hand it to the Vulcans, Trip mused.  They certainly had a way with words.  Or a word, as the case might be.  "I am simply pointing out the fact that this behavior is unlike you, suggesting that your mind is preoccupied.  I also note that you are not responding well to the neural pressure."

 "You think that's connected?" he asked, turning his head towards her.  She simply stared at him, one brow raised.  He let out a breath.  "Well, I reckon you could be right."  He paused for a moment, and then twisted around on the bunk so that they were face-to-face.  "Could I ask you a question?  It's about a personal matter."

"I believe that our relationship has progressed to the point where such questions may be appropriate," she responded, as cool as always.  Trip almost laughed.  Who would have thought almost three years ago that he and T'Pol would become friends?  But that's what they were.  Trip had slowly learned to value her steady character and her unwavering attention to detail.  Sure, her cultural idiosyncrasies could still bug the hell out of him, but he was now mature enough to look past such differences.  She had sacrificed a lot to be on this mission, and because of that, he trusted her.  He knew now where her loyalty lay: with the crew of the Enterprise.

He took a breath.  "It's Hoshi.  I'm real worried about her.  She hasn't been sleeping, she's tense, and last night she practically snapped my head off.  Why, I still don't know."

T'Pol's eyebrows furrowed ever-so-slightly together.  "I too have noticed changes in Ensign Sato's behavior.  More so today, on the bridge.  However, it serves little purpose to speak of your concerns with me.  The logical choice would be Ensign Sato herself."

Trip rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, as he jumped up from the bed and began pacing.  "I know!  I just don't want to upset her again."

"Perhaps you should first speak to Ensign Mayweather," T'Pol suggested.  "I have often noticed a special closeness between the two.  Ensign Sato even wrote in her report that Tarquin attempted to use her friendship with Ensign Mayweather to further manipulate her into staying on the planet.  He could perhaps advise you of the best way to proceed."

Trip was surprised at the stab of emotion he felt when T'Pol mentioned Travis.  Sure, he knew that the two were close friends, but it bothered him to have to go to the young man for help in talking to Hoshi.  _Don't be an idiot!  Do you want to help her, or not?_  He sighed and forced a smile.  "That's a great idea, T'Pol.  I guess I should get going."

"Good luck with your endeavor, Commander.  Ensign Sato's happiness is important to many members of this crew."  She paused, as if considering whether or not she should continue.  "Including myself," she finally stated.

This time, Trip's smile for her was genuine.  As he left her room, his mood lightened noticeably.  At least he had a plan.  With his hands in his pockets, he whistled a cheerful tune as he sauntered down the hallway to his own quarters.

At the other end of the hallway, unseen by Trip, Hoshi stood shock-still.  As she watched him, happiness and contentment radiating from him, she felt a sudden ache deep in her chest.  _Oh, God!  He must really be in love with her._  She quickly made her way back to her room and collapsed on her bunk, tears flowing freely down her face.

  



	3. Part 3

Hoshi lost track of how many times she had replayed the image of Trip leaving T'Pol's quarters in her mind.  Hours had passed, with her imagination adding to the scene in a sick effort to torture herself further: Trip kissing T'Pol goodbye; Trip saying he loved T'Pol; a smile on T'Pol's face as he whispered in her ear.  And to think that she had been making her way to Trip's quarters to apologize for having snapped at him the night before!

She was so stupid for having gone there!  Her mind thought back to earlier that night.  The sedative hadn't worked as well as Phlox had hoped.  True, it had helped her fall asleep, but it wasn't enough to keep away the dreams, or to keep her from waking up in a fevered sweat.  She had woken up pissed-off and frustrated, and paced her room back and forth.  She knew that the lack of sleep was taking its toll on her health, but her own insecurities weren't making the situation any better.  

Why was she doubting herself so much?  She hadn't been filled with such insecurities since her first months aboard Enterprise.  She had proven her worth time and again.  Ever since she had returned from Tarquin's planet she had been reverting to the "old" Hoshi.  

She forced the doubts, which lay like a cloud, from her mind.  She had to stop second-guessing herself and others.  She flushed as she thought about her exchange with Trip the night before.  He had done nothing to deserve her anger.  After all, he had no idea about her feelings for him: she had worked hard for the past year to keep them closed away, deep in her heart.

Even she herself didn't know at exactly what point her feelings for him had changed to more than friendly regard.  She just knew that he normally made her happy—just by being around.  His jokes, his grin, the way he calmed her fears… a thousand little things, that when added together, caused her heart to tighten a little whenever she saw him.  

After the Xindi attack on Earth, Hoshi's soft heart had gone out to him at seeing him in such pain, and so she had done all that she could to help him.  And, in helping Trip, she had been exposed to a fuller picture of who he was, as a man, and not simply the persona he often presented to the world.  She saw the depths of his emotions, the light and the dark. And she had fallen even harder for him.

She asked herself, wasn't it better to have him as a friend, than not in her life at all?  As painful as it was to admit, she had to face facts that he didn't care for her the way she wished.  She quickly pulled on some clothes, before she changed her mind.  She would go to his quarters and apologize.  Maybe then, things could get back to normal.

Now, as she lay on her bed, she wondered for not the first time what she had been thinking.  _What did you expect, for him to rush into your arms?_  How stupid she had been; it wasn't better to have him as a friend, the pain was too much!  He didn't care about her, nobody did.  Even T'Pol, ice-queen and remote as she was, had someone in her life.  And Hoshi, who did she have?  Nobody.  _Lonely.  Isolated.  He was right… Of course I was… Come back to me…_

The tears finally stopped as exhaustion took over her body.  Alien faces crowded her dreams: one that her subconsciousness recognized all too well; others that seemed strangely familiar.  All of them frightening.

Trip entered the mess hall, searching for a particular face.  He saw Travis finishing his breakfast as he worked on a padd.  "Hey, Travis," Trip called in greeting.  "Mind if I join you?" he asked, even as he was plopping himself into a chair.

Travis gave him his patented smile.  The young man had always liked the Chief Engineer: even with the grim realities of their current mission, Trip managed to project a sureness of purpose that the crew found reassuring.  And in recent months, since his anger had begun to recede, more and more of his old humor was seeping to the surface.

"Sure thing Commander.  I'm due on the bridge pretty soon, though.  What's up?"

"Actually," Trip began, lowering his voice, "I wanted to talk to you about Hoshi."

The smile immediately left Travis' face, and was replaced by a guarded look.  "I'm not sure I'm the one to talk to about that, Commander."

"Relax Travis," Trip replied, trying to keep his tone friendly.  "I'm not trying to get anyone in any trouble, here.  I'm just a little…well, troubled, I guess, about Hoshi's behavior lately.  She's obviously exhausted and she's been real sensitive."  At Travis' slight nod, Trip continued.  "I know you two are real close," again, Trip felt that stab of pain, but he ignored it to go on, "and I guess I sort of hoped you could fill me in on what's going on with her."

Travis looked Trip in the eye, as if he was trying to decide something.  He had apparently reached a decision, because he let out a deep breath and shook his head.  "I just don't know, Trip," he finally replied.  "She's been weird ever since she was stuck with Tarquin in his castle."  He shook his head.  "I still can't believe the Captain and Malcolm left her alone with that freak!" he expelled in a quiet but angry voice.

"What did he do to her?" Trip asked, his heart racing at the imagined possibilities.

"That's just it," Travis answered, frustration lacing his voice.  "She won't talk about it.  I've tried getting her to tell me, but she just gets angry and shuts me out.  I think she's been avoiding me for the past week."  He paused and then gave a determined look to Trip.  "She needs help.  It can't be healthy, the way she's isolated herself from everyone on board."

Neither of the men had noticed that the object of their conversation had entered the mess hall, and was now quietly approaching them from behind.  Her suspicions had been raised when she saw them speaking in hushed tones, and was determined to find out what they were talking about.  _"…she's isolated…from everyone…"_  She caught the end of what Travis was saying—one of the "benefits" of having such sensitive hearing.

"But what can we do?" she heard Travis ask.  "I mean, she's been acting so strangely, but it could just be stress."  Of course they would think it was stress, Hoshi thought to herself.  They all thought she was weak and wouldn't be able to hold up under pressure.  "She was so angry yesterday on the bridge, after she talked to the Captain.  You should have seen his face afterwards, he looked a little freaked."  _Shit.  Now they're even gossiping about how the Captain has lost confidence in me!  Why are they all out to get me?_  

"Well, we've got to do something, and soon," Trip responded.  "I mean, have you taken a good look at her lately?  She looks awful."  Hoshi completely missed the heartfelt concern in his voice.  She only heard the criticism.  She could feel the blood draining from her face.  _I don't belong here… You belong with me… Come back to me…_

"Phlox to Sato," the doctor's voice suddenly sounded over the intercom.  Both Travis' and Trip's heads snapped up, looking around, and quickly saw Hoshi standing behind them.  Trip groaned as he caught the expression on Hoshi's face.  She had heard them talking about her, and she clearly wasn't happy about it.  How do I keep fucking this up? he asked himself.

"Hoshi!" Travis exclaimed, standing up as if to walk to her, but stopped at the cold look she gave him.  It killed him to see such anger from his best friend, and he sat back down with a slump in his shoulders.  

Hoshi quickly went to the com panel.  "Yes Doctor?" she bit out the words.

"Ensign, please come to sick bay immediately."

"I'll be right there," she answered, and stiffly left the mess hall.

Travis and Trip just looked at each other and sighed.  

Hoshi made her way to sickbay, alternating between wanting to scream and cry.  _No one wants me here.  I don't belong here.  I should just leave… Yes.  Leave.  Come back to me._  

On some level, deep inside her, Hoshi knew that she was behaving irrationally, but that didn't seem to make a difference.  It was as if the cloud had enclosed her mind, twisting her emotions into chaos.  She had been able to shake off the cloud briefly the night before, but it had come back with a vengeance.  _Come back to me._

She entered sickbay to see Phlox and the Captain deep in conversation.  "I didn't know this was going to be a conference," she announced, her tone sounding harsh even to her own ears.

Before the Captain could respond, Phlox smoothly stepped in.  "What I have discovered needs to be understood by both you and the Captain."  He motioned to the computer screen with an encouraging smile, and Hoshi grudgingly stepped forward.  After giving her a frown, Jon also stepped forward so that they were both flanking Phlox.

"What exactly are we looking at here, Doctor?" Jon asked, with a puzzled expression.

"On the left, you see an image of the brain-wave activity of an average human.  On the right, of a humanoid species with some psychic talents.  While there are some slight differences in physiology, the differences between these patterns are striking."  He paused as he indicated a particular section of the image.  "These elevated readings here are what corresponds to telepathic abilities."

"What's the point of all this?" Hoshi asked in an exasperated tone.  Again, circumventing a possibly harsh response from the Captain, Phlox stepped in.

"I believe it will become obvious in a moment," he replied with a smile.  "Let's now take a look at the recent scans I took of Ensign Sato."  He gave the two humans a moment as they processed the new image before them.  "As you can see, Ensign Sato's patterns show much in common with the telepath's."  

Phlox looked to Hoshi, trying to gauge how she was responding to this news, but her expression was impassive.  _I AM a freak!  This confirms it!_ the thoughts screamed in her mind.

"How was this not noticed before?"  Jon asked the doctor, arms crossed in front of his chest, as it appeared that Hoshi was not going to speak. "Or is this a new situation?"

"Yes and no," Phlox answered.  "As you can see from an older examination, Ensign Sato's scans showed her to have some variations from the norm, but nothing to have been alarmed about.  It's possible she had been utilizing some very minor form of telepathy for a while now."  The doctor privately suspected that this may have been one of the reasons as to how Hoshi had been able to learn alien languages so quickly, but knew that this was not the best time to bring it up. "This heightened activity, however, appears to be a recent phenomenon, perhaps due to some stimulus."

"You mean Tarquin?" Jon asked, Hoshi flinching at the name.

"Most probably," Phlox responded.  He then turned to Hoshi. "Your headaches and dreams did begin after having been with the alien, isn't that correct?"  At Hoshi's slight nod, Phlox continued.  "Well, I think it would be foolish to discount this as mere coincidence.  Though, we should not overreact, either.  This could simply be a natural, latent ability that has begun to manifest in Ensign Sato.  For example, on Betazed—a planet Denobula has relations with—the developing of empathic abilities are a rite of…"

"Thank you, Doctor," the Captain interrupted.  "What are your current recommendations?

"I think it would be best if Hoshi has daily check-ups with me as I continue to research.  I will also continue to give her light sedatives for aid in sleeping, which should help in the short-term.  I believe that she can return to work, as long as she keeps to short shifts."  He had expected Hoshi to brighten up at this last piece of news, but she looked as withdrawn as ever.

Jon nodded at Phlox's words, but his attention was focused on his com officer.  What was happening to the bright and enthusiastic young woman of just a few weeks ago?  After Hoshi had been asked to be dismissed, Jon turned back to Phlox.

"Are you sure it's a good idea that she gets back to active duty?"

Phlox nodded, though it was clear that he was just as worried as the Captain.  "Yes.  I think it would do her good to interact with the rest of the crew.  I have noticed that she has been secluding herself more and more from others.  We need to keep her in as 'normal' a routine as possible."

"Fine, doctor," Jon responded.  "But we need to get to the bottom of this, and fast.  I'm counting on you."

Phlox nodded, and Jon noticed that this was one of the rare occasions that the doctor did not smile.


	4. Part 4

Return From Exile: Part 4

Lieutenant Reed piloted Shuttlepod 2 towards the ruins of an ancient temple complex on the planet below.  The planet was long-abandoned, but scans had shown that some of the ruins were emitting unusual energy readings.  Desperate to try and find some answers to the mystery that was the Expanse, Archer had ordered Trip to head an away team to gather information.  "Those spheres had to have been built by _someone_," he explained when Trip had complained about a 'god-damned waste of time.' 

Hoshi sat in the shuttlepod, arms crossed over her chest and stared at a spot above Trip's head, ignoring the rest of the team in general, and Trip in particular.  She inwardly sighed as she thought of how awkward it was to be stuck with the chief engineer for the next few hours.  "We'll need your skills there to help the engineering team in deciphering the artifacts," Captain Archer had said to her.  "Besides," he had added, at her further complaints, "It'll be good for you to get some fresh air."  At least he wasn't abandoning her alone on this god-forsaken planet, she grumbled to herself.

It had been three days since Phlox's discovery about her freakish brain-waves, and Hoshi felt even more alone than she ever had before.  Who would want to be around her now?  They would want to be as far away from her as Tarquin's people had wanted to be from him.  _Come back to me… You don't have to be alone_… She closed her eyes against the thoughts and leaned back in her seat.

Trip watched Hoshi carefully, as this was one of the few times he had seen her since that disastrous episode with Travis in the mess hall.  She hadn't even tried to hide the fact that she was avoiding him: yesterday, he had been in the turbolift when the doors opened to a deck where Hoshi was waiting.  She had taken one cold look at him and stepped away from the open doors until they closed again.

He had tried approaching her, and he had even spoken to the Captain about his concerns, but Jon had told him in guarded tones to give Hoshi some space.  Trip had given a bitter laugh when he heard that—Hoshi was taking care of that all on her own.

Her utter rejection of him had hurt more than he had ever imagined it could.  It was all he could think about, to the point where his insomnia returned and the Vulcan techniques weren't effective.  As he looked at her small, fragile form, it was all he could do to keep from sweeping her into his arms and comforting her.  _Like she would ever let you do that.  Face facts, she hates you._  

It had taken all of this drama for him to realize how much she meant to him.  The absence of her smiles and kind words only highlighted how much he had come to depend on them.  The absence of her tiny hand, occasionally touching his arm or shoulder, told him how important those small physical gestures were to his happiness.  His mouth dried as he stared at her perfect face.  Even with the shadows and marks of anxiety, she was still beautiful.  Had he ever told her that before?  Yet another regret, he thought to himself. 

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed when Malcolm had begun landing the shuttle.  He began to give assignments as the two other engineers, along with Hoshi, Malcolm and the MACO sergeant began to gather their supplies.  "Malcolm, you stay with Ensign Singh and Lieutenant Dominguez.  Sergeant Williams will stay with Hoshi and me."  Trip tried to ignore the pain he felt when Hoshi flinched at the groupings.  He knew she would be angry, but he couldn't help himself—in the back of his mind he kept hoping that she would eventually open up to him.

"Yes, Commander," Malcolm replied as he looked around with his usual caution at the windy landing site and gloomy sky.  "I know this planet is supposed to be abandoned, but I think it would be prudent for us to stay in close proximity as we explore the ruins," he stated in his usual, professional manner. 

"Better safe than sorry, eh?" Trip asked, trying to force a grin on his face.  "Good point.  We'll check in with each other regularly, and don't be shy about calling for assistance."

With that, the two groups made their way among the ruins, examining the artifacts that were emitting the particular energy readings.  Whenever Trip asked Hoshi a question, her shoulders tightened and she answered in as few words as possible.  At one point, Sergeant Williams returned to the shuttlepod to get additional supplies, and Trip began to regret forcing Hoshi to be in his company.

Suddenly, the wind began to whip around them.  Trip looked up and saw storm clouds rapidly approaching.  He knew that a storm was going to hit hard and fast. After getting in touch with Malcolm, whose team was still fairly close to the shuttlepod where Sergeant Williams was, he turned his attention to his own situation.  "Hoshi?" he called out, and saw her about a hundred feet away, intently studying some inscriptions on a column.  He ran up to her and grabbed onto her shoulder.  She was startled out of her study and suddenly became aware of their surroundings.  "We need to get to some shelter fast, we don't have time to get to the shuttlepod!" he shouted to be heard above the wind.

He scanned the area and pointed towards a  small building across the courtyard that appeared to still be in decent condition.  They ran towards it, and had barely made it in when the storm hit.  Trip quickly appraised Malcolm of their situation; he decided it would be best for them to wait it out and told the Englishman to inform Enterprise.

He turned to where Hoshi was sitting, farther into the structure, and his heart ached at seeing how exhausted she appeared.  He pulled a blanket out of his pack.  "We might be here for a little while," he said as gently as possible as he handed the blanket to her.  "Why don't you try and get some rest?"

She looked at him suspiciously before finally taking the blanket.  Rolling herself up in it, she curled into a tight ball on the ground.  Trip sighed and sat against the wall, watching Hoshi's back.

Hoshi's steady breathing told Trip that she had managed to fall asleep, and for that he was grateful.  He soon become lost in his own thoughts—trying to figure out when Hoshi's happiness had begun to matter so much to him—when he was brought crashing back to their present situation by Hoshi's desperate moaning.

He quickly made his way to her side, where she lay tossing and turning, her loose hairs sticking to the sweat on her neck and forehead.  She was moaning and mumbling incoherently.  After a moment of caution, he gave into his desire to hold her in his arms.  She didn't wake, and he tried to soothe her with soft words, as one hand rubbed soft circles onto her back and the other hand smoothed her hair back.  He touched as much of her face as he could, knowing that this might be the only chance he would get to feel her next to him. "Shhh.  Shhh, my darlin," he repeated over and over, but it didn't seem to help.  Hoshi suddenly let out a deep gasp and awoke.

They sat frozen for a moment, staring into each other's eyes, when she suddenly scrambled away from him, as if his touch were poison.  "What the hell were you doing?" she yelled at him.

Even if she had stabbed him, he wasn't sure it could hurt worse than the disgust and fury her words and expression held.  He put up his hands as if in surrender.  "Hosh!  You were having a nightmare, that's all.  You need to calm down."

"Calm down?" Hoshi yelled as she stood up, backing away from him.  "Why?  Because I'm too stressed out?  Too out of control?" she continued to yell, her eyes gleaming darkly.  "What happens if I don't?  Are you just going to leave me here, to rot alone?  I know that's what you all want—to leave the freak behind!"

Trip was completely stunned by her outburst.  _What the hell is going on here?_  He quickly stood and rushed to her, grabbing onto her arms and holding them against her sides.  "Hoshi, you need to get a hold of yourself."

When she began to struggle against him, he shook her slightly.  He was scared of hurting her, but at this rate, he was more scared of her hurting herself.  

"What do you care?" she screamed at him, her face red, and twisted into a cruel caricature of the woman he cared about.  "What am I to you, just someone to pity and talk about behind my back?  You and Travis, the Captain and Phlox, you're all the same!  You just want to get rid of me!"

He tightened his grip on her arms as she began to shove against his chest.  He was practically beside himself as he tried to get through to her.  "What are you talking about, darlin?  We all care about you; we're worried about you, that's all!"

Some of his words began to pierce the cloud that had settled on her mind, a small, tiny voice screamed at her that he was telling the truth, but it was quickly smothered.  _He's lying.  They don't care about you.  I need you.  Come back to me._  Hoshi suddenly remembered Trip leaving T'Pol's quarters, and all of her hurt and jealousy flared to the surface.

"Oh right, worried!  I'm sure it's keeping you up nights.  Why should you care?  You've got T'Pol!"

"T'Pol?" he repeated, his confused brain trying to process her accusation amidst the insanity of the situation. "What are you talking about?  We're friends, that's all."

"Friends," she spat out as she continued to struggle against him.  "That's some definition you have there.  And what am I?  A charity case?  Someone too weak and pathetic to take care of herself?"

"Hoshi!  You know that's not true!"  This time he really did shake her, trying to snap her out of her frenzy.  "None of us think of you like that.  We value you, darlin, we need you.  Deep down you know how much we care about you!"  

He sighed in relief as she began to calm down.   She looked up into his face, and a glimmer of rationality began to surface in her eyes.  "It's true," he said to her.  "We care...  _I_ care," he whispered the last to her, his heart in his voice and in his eyes.

Hoshi relaxed in his arms, and he was just about to release her, when she suddenly tensed.  "NO!  He lies!" she shouted, her voice not even sounding like her own.  "He lies to you!  No one cares for you, not here!  No one will ever care for you like I do!" she continued to shout, spittle spraying from her lips as she pushed Trip away with abnormal strength.  _"Come back to me!  I love you!"_ she yelled in agony, just as Trip managed to grasp her shoulder.  She gave one, final terrifying scream, and passed out in his arms.

With tears in his eyes, he carefully lowered her to the floor.  His heart ached as he saw how pale and lifeless she appeared. It was still storming outside, but he knew he had to get her back to Enterprise.  He couldn't give up on her, not now.  Not when he had just realized that he loved her.


	5. Part 5

Return From Exile: Part 5

_It was dark, and she was running, running for her life. She wasn't being chased, but she knew that if she didn't find what she was looking for, she would die. She ran into him then, he held her, and comforted her and soothed the fear away. He whispered words of love to her, told her he needed her. Her fears melting away, she looked up to his face, but saw Tarquin gazing back at her. His face seemed wrong, as if he had not been the one to comfort her just a moment before. She screamed and struggled against him, but he held her fast. The more she struggled the fiercer his grasp. She realized he would never let her go…  
_  
  
Captain Archer silently watched the scene in front of him, working to keep his own emotions under control. Hoshi lay on the bed, appearing lifeless except for the occasional grimace of pain that ghosted her face. Next to her sat Trip, holding one of her small hands between both of his own, occasionally squeezing it gently as he spoke in constant soft murmurs to her unconscious body.  
  
Jon had been surprised as to the depth of Trip's response to Hoshi's condition, but felt that it was better not to stop his friend in the vigil he had chosen to keep in sickbay. He quietly retreated to where Phlox was working. "Any new information, Doctor?" he asked, only a slight unsteadiness in his voice betraying any worry.  
  
Phlox did not even turn from the screen, he was examining it so intently. "Yes, I believe so," he answered, deep concentration knitting his features together. "It appears that I was correct about the stimulus to Ensign Sato's telepathic abilities – she did have a natural ability in that area, which is of course how Tarquin located her to begin with. Her exposure to such a strong telepath has pushed her own talents to new levels." He frowned as he turned to the Captain. "I read in her report that Tarquin helped her to concentrate using some sort of technique with a glass sphere."  
  
"That's right," Jon answered, frowning. "Hoshi said that it was something Tarquin used to focus and amplify his abilities. She couldn't really explain what she had seen using it, though, she said she saw a jumbled collection of images. Is there some sort of connection?"  
  
Phlox sighed as he turned back to the monitor. "I am not positive yet, but I believe so. It may be true that Hoshi was able to use the sphere as Tarquin claimed. However, I believe that her mind must have been extremely vulnerable to him at that moment, for she wrote that she had to 'open' her mind to use it at all. He could have used that momentary opening into her mind in some way that Ensign Sato was not aware of at the time."  
  
"What did that maniac do to her?" a hoarse voice rasped behind them. Jon turned to Trip who had been standing behind them, listening to Phlox's diagnosis. "I'll go back there alone and kill him myself if I have to!" he raged, naked fury and grief plainly written on the engineer's face.  
  
"Calm down, Trip," Jon answered, placing a restraining had on his upper arm. "Phlox isn't even finished explaining himself."  
  
At a nod from the Captain, Phlox continued, directing his comments as much to Trip as he could, attempting to ease the man's agitation. "I have been examining Ensign Sato's scans over and over, and have come across an anomaly that I could not explain. It was so minute that I would never have noticed it had I not been looking so closely. I believe that Tarquin had been able to place a sort of 'suggestion' in Ensign Sato's subconscious mind."  
  
"What kind of suggestion?" Jon immediately asked, his eyebrows furrowed.  
  
Before the doctor could even respond that he could not know that from the scans alone, Trip broke in, in a voice as harsh as either of the others had ever heard from him. "To go to him," he said, shaking his head as he replayed that last terrifying scene with Hoshi in his mind. "He wanted her so badly that he was willing to drive her almost mad to get her, that bastard." He turned to stare at Hoshi's pale form on the bed. "He had her convinced that she was alone, that he was the only one who could possibly want her, love her, make her happy."  
  
There was silence as the others soaked in what Trip had said, and to give him a moment to collect himself. _I certainly didn't make it hard for him to use her, exploit her fears! Why didn't I tell her before? Why didn't I realize earlier what she meant to me? If only I had been braver…_ He finally expelled a long breath and looked to Phlox. "What can I do, doc?"  
  
Phlox looked at him with sympathy. "As of right now, I cannot give an answer. We know too little of Tarquin himself and what he did to Ensign Sato. As far as I can tell, the suggestion itself has not caused the ensign's current illness: her current state appears to be a result of a combination of severe psychological stresses, and unfortunately, I do not have enough information on what those stresses are," he sighed and sadness entered his open face. "Unfortunately, Ensign Sato found a way to keep much hidden from me," he added, guilt creeping into his voice.  
  
The doctor paused to place a reassuring hand on Trip's arm. The engineer tensed, automatically preparing for bad news. "Her brain wave activity is too erratic, and in trying to control it, I may do even more damage. It may be that we will not be able to anything for Hoshi except make her as comfortable as possible. I think that she herself must find a way out the maze her subconscious mind has created."  
  
Trip soaked it all in, trying to appear strong, but Jon could see how desperation clouded his friend's eyes. He almost offered to go back to Tarquin's planet, to force the son of a bitch to free Hoshi from this trap. But he knew he couldn't, that the fate of too many – their entire planet – hinged on what they did here. They all knew that he couldn't. His gut tightened as he knew that speaking such reasons aloud would only make the situation worse. Trip just nodded at Phlox's words and went back to his vigil beside Hoshi's bed, smoothing the hair from her face, squeezing her hand, all the while a constant stream of soft murmurs passed from his lips to her ears.  
  
After a few words to Phlox to keep him informed, Jon left sickbay to go to his cabin. _How many sacrifices will we have to make? How many of my crew will I have to lose? Why did it have to be her?_ He had a bottle of scotch in his cabin, and knew that he would be drinking all of it before this was over.

_She was no longer running in the dark. She sat at an opulent table, wearing a heavy red silk gown. Once again, she heard the whispers of love touching her soul. Her heart warmed as she felt her love returned with such passion. She smiled at the man across the table from her, his blue eyes mixed with mischief and passion. Suddenly, he changed, and his eyes reflected contempt. "Haven't you given up on this fantasy?" he snarled, even as the whispers continued. "What's it going to take for you to realize that this is never going to happen? As if I could be with someone like you."  
  
"I told you," Tarquin said behind her. She spun around to find herself back in Tarquin's castle. "You belong with me."  
  
"No!" she screamed, putting her hands over her ears, and the world receded around her…  
  
She became immersed in an avalanche of images that swallowed her whole. She became the images, and the images became events, people, memories… She saw worlds being destroyed, millions of lives extinguished, she saw aliens that she knew were Xindi, though she also knew she had never seen them before. She saw a weapon being constructed, tested, deployed. She knew the fear and hate that had fueled its creation. Over and over the images came. "Stop! Stop!" she screamed again and again, but still they bombarded her  
  
"These are my dreams, my nightmares," she told herself and remembered the first time she had seen them, when she had been awake. She had seen all this when focused on the Xindi weapon. With that understanding, new doors were opened: she knew she could discover so much more if she could just get back to where she was supposed to be. She could use this, to help those she cared about, those she loved…  
  
The images stopped as a fierce roar of anger and jealousy rang in her ears. She found herself in the dark. She began to run, to run for her life. She wasn't being chased, but she knew that if she didn't find what she was looking for, she would die… She saw Tarquin gazing back at her. She screamed and struggled against him, but he held her fast. The more she struggled the fiercer his grasp. She realized he would never let her go…  
_

A soft moan escaped from Hoshi's dry lips and her face was contorted into an anguished mask. How many hours had passed? Trip asked himself as he placed an ice chip against her lips. He was exhausted, but no one could have dragged him away. He silently berated himself again and again… He had known that there was something seriously wrong with Hoshi, but he had allowed embarrassment and pride to stop him from doing what he should have. "Never again, darlin," he murmured to her. "I'll never leave you again. You've been there for me through the worst, how could I not be there for you? Please forgive me for not letting you know earlier just how much you mean to me."  
  
Tears shone in Trip's eyes as he grasped her small hand. His voice was ragged and weary from the constant stream of speech that had flown from his heart. He knew that Hoshi was more reserved about her deeper feelings – she doubtless would have been a little embarrassed about the things he had confessed to her as she lay there, but he was over and done with hiding how important she was to him.  
  
Phlox hadn't said that Hoshi would hear his voice, but the doctor hadn't tried to stop him, either. The tiniest hope that she might hear his whispers were enough to keep him going. "I care about you Hoshi, I care more than I thought would be possible for me after all that I had lost." His voice choked and tears streamed openly down his face. He put his head down on the bed next to her own, burying his face in her thick black hair. "I love you Hoshi," he whispered into her ear, his voice thick with emotion. "Please come back to me."

_She ran through the darkness again. How many times had this scene replayed, she could not say. "Come back to me…" She had heard those words ring in her mind so many times in the past weeks, and each time they had filled her subconscious with fear and revulsion and pity. She had in her deepest soul tried to fight against that call, to fight against the weapons that Tarquin had planted in her psyche to win her to his side. But he had been too clever, finding the weakest wall in her emotional defenses, that small opening that he could pry open and exploit. But this time the plea seemed different, as if it were linked to the constant whispers and murmurs of love that she had sensed since entering this horrifying place. Who was it? It wasn't Tarquin, she knew from how her mind hummed in a sort of deep pleasure. She forced herself to stop running and to really open herself up to the voice. She listened with her heart, and felt a spark of hope ignite within her.  
  
"Yes," a voice interrupted her and she looked around to find herself once again in Tarquin's palace. He stood before her, a smile on his lips and his arms open in welcome. "It is me. You know I only want what is best for you, that your happiness is my only desire." He took a step closer to her, and she resisted the urge to run away again. "Why do you stay away from me? Return to me, and we will always be together, you will never be alone again."  
  
"I'm not alone," she found the strength to respond; the hope in her heart had given her strength. "People care for me there. HE cares for me."  
  
"You lie to yourself!" he snarled, grabbing her arms. "How could he care for you? You know now what you are. You belong with someone who understands you, someone just like you."  
  
"NO!" she yelled with all her strength, finally understanding him. He wasn't really there, it was his last attempt to hold her, to plant these fears and sorrows within her. Yes, to tie one last thread to her mind and pull at it until she could no longer resist his specter in her head. But he had miscalculated badly – he had not known how strong she truly was. Maybe she hadn't known herself, until now.  
  
She continued her attack. "You don't want to be with me, you want to own me, to dominate me. Why else would you be here? You weren't invited, you invaded! You say you love me, but to prove it, you have to make me feel worthless. How can that be love? It's twisted and sick and I see you for what you really are."  
  
With each word, Tarquin stepped away from her, fading before her eyes. "Please," he pleaded with her one last time. "He will never need you like I do!"  
  
She took a deep breath and acknowledged his words. "That may be true," she sighed. Trip may never love her the way she wanted him to, no matter how brightly that spark of hope shined in her heart. Tarquin's passion for her – as sick as it was – had been profound, and it was possible that no other man would ever feel as deeply for her as he had. "That may be true, but it doesn't change the fact that I will never need you."  
  
As she spoke the words, he truly did fade away, as did the castle. She felt a strange sort of freedom, and found herself rushing forward and up, somehow floating back into herself. As she stepped back into her body, she heard his voice, the voice that had been her lifeline throughout the ordeal, though she had not realized it until that moment. The spark of hope grew into a flame.  
_  
  
Trip lifted his head from her bed as he felt her stir. He looked with frantic hope at her face as she slowly opened her eyes. He squeezed her hands as she focused on his face, the love shining so bright that it could not be denied. "Trip," she rasped out, a beautiful smile touching her lips.  
  
"You came back to me," he whispered in awe, wonder and relief as his hands gently caressed her cheeks and brow.  
  
"Yes, I came back to you," she answered, her heart glorying in the love she so clearly saw in his face. She allowed her own face to mirror that love to him, and a slow, pure smile of joy spread across his mouth. "And," she added, her own smile deepening, "to myself." 


End file.
